Sobriety, Amends, and Forgiveness
As the end of the year and decade draws closer, I am often left to consider the passing of events and people, the births, celebrations, and the fights that have taken place throughout the sometimes chaotic and often sublime unfolding of 2019.
Typically my mornings are an interesting time; it is my time for reflection. It is my time to muse over the multi-facets of life, in the small, quiet moments between my second cup of coffee and right before I wake-up my son for school.
Recently, most of my mornings are spent on my futon. Perrin has to go to school early, which means that I need to be up as well to ensure he makes it to his appointed early morning make-up classes. While I am on the route to my comfy futon, I make sure Perrin is able to awaken and prepare the much-needed coffee. It is during this time that my phone will chime every 8-10 minutes, several times in a row, while I make a valiant attempt to sit-up. Most mornings, it is extremely difficult to rally.
Today was different, today I rolled out of my bed and quickly found my feet. The sky was still dark when both Perrin and I got into the kitchen. I found my time for reflection, while Perrin busied about and got ready for his make-up classes. Somebody set-up the auto-brew on the coffee machine, so when I walked into the kitchen, I was greeted by the gentle tinkle of water into the glass carafe. Today I did not snooze for an additional 40 minutes.
Today my thoughts took a turn towards Amends, Forgiveness, and Sobriety. I thought about the petty actions of individuals and the transgressions that we face as sober people. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are often confronted with our own short-comings, a reminder of our human condition. Whether you’re sober and working steps, or not, or even if you never had the issue to start with- There is not a person that can claim complete immunity to human error and issues with their character. We are all divine beings trapped in fallible meat suits.
Obviously there are caveats to this statement; I am not writing about individuals that have endured abuse or neglect. For those individuals, I hope and pray that they are able to find and maintain stability and safety, I hope that their psychic and physical wounds have time to heal. I would never advocate that they forgive their abuser, as that can be dangerous (at best). Instead, if they blame themselves for what they have experienced, or if they have had to assume that blame, I hope they find forgiveness in themselves. I sincerely hope that they learn to ultimately love themselves and find people that love them just as much.
For the others, for those of us, that at times wallow in self-pity and blame. My question to you is simple: Why?
Why do we hold others to standards; that we cannot hold for ourselves?
Why the petty reactions, when conversation and accountability can do so much more?
Emotions can be such tricky little things. They do not follow logic or reason and at times, they can appear and dictate events even when they are inappropriate. Passions tell us that the guy to the left of us is terrible, even if that guy was just doing what he needed to do, regardless of our reactions.
In families where addiction or mental illness is present, the simple act of forgiveness or an amend can become a gauntlet, as both parties have experienced traumas, slights, and nastiness. The entire situation then becomes a powder keg, as previous experiences build, and expectations are not met. Suddenly a look, or a word can become an ill-fated match.
In 2011 I began a journey of self-discovery. I found myself forced to put aside the things that had become a detriment to my continued existence and had to sober up. My first year was brutal as I faced loss of family, arguments, divorce, and unstable employment. I write this now, for no other reason than to illustrate the chaos that I lived and in most assuredly, actively participated in.
I spent that year lost. Wandering from one thing to another, my sponsor was often left at her wits end, as she tried her damndest to keep me on the right path. I fought her, I was recalcitrant, I isolated. She was showing me how to live a new life, but I was coping by using the long-held practices of an impulsive, beer-chugging teenager. However, if not for her and her patience and guidance, I would not be here today.
The first thing I learned about sobriety, the first thing I was confronted with was resentment. We resent the people that we feel have harmed us in some way. Those people have hurt our feelings, said or did unkind things to us, cheated us when we were low. The list goes on and on, as we recount our traumas like a TV novella. Each story-teller is suddenly the scrappy heroine or hero: “…And then, that lousy so-and-so said I was a terrible person, simply for doing what was required!”
There is a problem with that is as we focus on the outside, we forget about what is happening on the inside. The inside becomes less important to us, as we have been wronged! Our hearts race, we find ourselves becoming more and more agitated with those people, we build them into almost magical beings, capable of destroying all of the things we have worked so hard to achieve. We actively seek out friends and family to join our cause, because we have been hurt.
What we fail to see is that behind all the bluster and finger pointing, that ultimately we are participating in all of it. Anger is the outward display of inward fear. Whether or not one admits it, there it is: We fear being seen as less than, we fear ridicule. Or maybe we fear losing people, places, or things that we have worked to obtain. Regardless, under anger is fear.
For me, in order to move past my resentments, I had to list them and take into account how each individual had screwed me over or had threatened my sense security. When I was done, I had about 40 pages, as I am a fairly active people pleaser, and I developed quite the grudge.
After careful review and consideration, I realized that those feelings and reactions had a common element to them: Myself. It was me who got drunk, it was me who blacked-out, it was me who participated in all of the negative actions and attitudes that colored my world. At several cross-roads, I made a decision and that decision had its consequences.
It was quite a revelation to see that my actions hurt people. That those people were simply reacting to a course of actions, that I set to motion. Again I write this, understanding that not everything I did or did not do was a direct result of me, as my interactions still required others with their own flaws to happen. Again as I write this, I write with the caveat that things such as violence, or rape, or abuse and/or neglect have very little to do with the individual experiencing it and more (if not everything) to do with the agressor.
It took writing it out and talking about it, in order to figure out where I ended and where others began. It took a ridiculously long time to start righting those things. I would advocate that we all start keeping account of the things we do, but I tend to be a realist. I highly doubt that my friends, family, and coworkers will start a journal of all of the actions and interactions of their day-to-day life.
I am advocating, as this decade comes to a close, for us all to look at the people that we have had the worst interactions with (assuming that doing so will not put the individual at risk). Think about why that person has such a negative connotation, what is it about them that excites your fear? Did they threaten your reputation, relationships, or livelihood?
This is where it gets hard: Where were you in this? What decision did you make at the start of this, did an action you took cause this situation to become worse? If you find that you are involved in this situation, you might need to make amends. Own your end of it. The other person may or may not apologize and make their amends with you. Never expect the other party to apologize.
Once you own your end of the street and clear away the wreckage of your past, it becomes much easier to move into your future. In some instances, an amend does not need to be a verbal apology, but a change in action that has been problematic and has created negative interactions. Figure out your anger, write your fears, and choose differently. Remember that in all of this that the first person that you owe an amend to is yourself.
Let’s choose differently for 2020.
Ellie's World 